Kissing Therapeutic Frogs: How Finding a Therapist is Like Dating (and How It Isn’t)

We've all heard you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince (or whatever gender royalty suits your fancy). Surprisingly, this same principle applies to finding a therapist. In both dating and therapy, the relationship is crucial, and understanding their shared challenges and differences can help you find a therapist who's the right fit for you.

It might surprise you that the quality of the relationship with your therapist has a greater impact on the success of therapy than the approach that your therapist uses (See paper here). Once you’ve confirmed your therapist is qualified to address your concerns, what matters most is the kind of relationship you can build together. This means that even if a therapist is great on paper, they might not be the best fit for you and that is ok. Recognizing the importance of fit, you can use some of the same principles applied in dating in your search for a therapist. The following list will highlight similarities and differences between dating and looking for a therapist.

Similarities

Where to look: Like dating, you can find a therapist through directories and services or through personal recommendations. The most popular searchable directory is Psychology Today, where you can filter results to match your needs. Finding counseling services locally or online is as simple as an internet search. While word of mouth is one of the best ways to find a therapist, be cautious about dual relationships (see next point).

Exclusivity: Just as monogamy is the default approach to relationships for many people, it's best not to share your therapist with close friends and family—even if you're not monogamous in your dating life. Sharing a therapist creates a dual relationship that can complicate matters for everyone involved. Consider whether you and your friend would likely discuss each other with the same therapist now or in the future. This situation can quickly become messy. Note that this guideline applies only to individual therapy, not couples or family therapy.

Vet Your Date: Just as you'd want to get a sense of someone before going on a date, it's wise to get a sense of your therapist before committing to a full session. Most therapists offer a free initial consultation—take advantage of this opportunity! If you feel pressured to book appointments and something doesn't feel right, simply tell them you need time to think it over.

Don't Settle: If you went on a date and it didn't click, it's okay to decline a second date. Finding a therapist can be as frustrating as dating—the endless searching makes it tempting to go with the first one you meet. Both dating and therapy are major investments of time, money, and emotion, so it's worth cutting your losses if something doesn't feel right. Keep looking.

Trust Your Gut: If you get a bad feeling about someone, even a therapist, move on. While therapy can (and sometimes should) be uncomfortable, it should never feel unsafe. Working through issues in therapy may be painful, scary, and sad—but you should never feel forced to explore things you're not ready to face. That said, you do want your therapist to challenge you, or as one of my clients beautifully described it, to "shove with love."

Clarity Improves Results: Success in both dating and therapy increases when you know what you want. Be direct about your goals—even if your initial goal is simply to clarify what you want from therapy. Ensure you and your therapist agree on what you're trying to accomplish together. Your therapist should be transparent about their ability to help and explain their planned approach.

Conflict is okay: This is a bold statement, but an important one for both dating and therapy. People will never align perfectly, and the ability to address misunderstandings or misalignments is crucial for all deep and meaningful relationships. The key is in the repair. Can you address issues with your partner or therapist and reach a new understanding that deepens and improves the relationship—or does the conflict remain unresolved? If your therapist can't face conflict productively with you, you might want to reconsider the relationship.

They Won't "Fix" You: It can be hard to accept that no one else can "fix" you—and you likely don't need "fixing" in the first place. A good therapist can help you process past experiences and emotions while teaching you new skills, but you'll be doing the meaningful work. Think of it like a broken bone: a doctor applies a cast, but the cast doesn't heal the bone—it provides support for the natural healing process.

Breakups: It's okay to end the relationship because it's not working for you, even if the therapist has done nothing wrong. As with dating, it's advisable to have a conversation first to see if there are ways to address your concerns. Be clear about whether it's a mismatch between you and the therapist or your own resistance to facing challenging truths about yourself or your situation. If you've identified that it's the therapeutic relationship or approach that is the problem and haven't been able to resolve it, find another therapist.

Differences

One-Way Street: While an ideal dating relationship balances both people's needs, therapy focuses solely on you. Though both you and your therapist should feel safe and respected, the therapy hour is dedicated to your growth. Overall, your therapist should listen more than they talk. If they share personal details, it should be to serve your therapeutic journey, not theirs. Remember: you are never responsible for your therapist's emotional well-being.

Not Until Death Do Us Part: Unlike those seeking a soul mate or lifetime partner, you're not looking for an eternal therapist. It's perfectly fine to end therapy or switch therapists. If you've resolved your initial concerns or outgrown your current therapist, that's a sign of success! However, if you're quickly cycling through therapists, you might want to examine whether your expectations are realistic. Remember, you're the one who needs to do the work and it is not always easy.

Don't Kiss Your Therapist!: This should go without saying, but entering into any romantic or sexual relationship with your therapist—even after therapy has ended—is one of the most serious ethical violations a therapist can commit. If your therapist ever initiates anything romantic or sexual, report them (in Canada: [insert weblink here]). That said, developing feelings for your therapist isn't uncommon, so don't feel ashamed if this happens to you. Like most therapeutic issues, it can be worked through—you guessed it—in therapy!

Referring On: While you wouldn't ask an ex to set you up with your next partner during a breakup, the same doesn't apply to therapy. If you're no longer making progress and your therapist has exhausted their approaches (or you're not interested in their remaining options), don't hesitate to ask them for referrals to other therapists or services that might better meet your needs.

Conclusion

The journey to finding the right therapist, like dating, requires patience, self-awareness, and the willingness to be vulnerable. While it may take time to find your therapeutic match, understanding these similarities and differences can help set realistic expectations and guide you through the process. Remember that investing time in finding the right fit is an investment in your mental health and well-being.

This was originally published June 18 2025 here